A SHOT OF ESPRESSO

“Motherhood, from day one, is synonymous with messes.  In fact, that first little mess, deposited in a microscopic Pamper in the hospital nursery, sparks relief and celebration.  What is world peace at that moment compared to a healthy little set of bowels?”

“When they’ve pillaged the cupboard for the umpteenth time and held each other hostage again with BB guns and slingshots, it hits you – it doesn’t take a village to raise a child.  It takes a team of Navy Seals.” 

“I’ve seen grown men revert to kicking, hitting, and pushing each other down in their efforts to get that ball.  This kind of behavior at recess would have earned us a trip to the office with a phone call to our parents followed by a paddling when we got home.” – Rhonda, on football

“The only thing that can spoil my Olympic joy is watching it with a party pooper.  Or two.” 

“Having been responsible for four prolific little colons in my career, my skills are so finely honed that I am now fully capable of diapering a crying, thrashing toddler in a blinding rainstorm with one hand tied behind my back.” 

“While I haven’t personally attended a tea party, I believe I may have staged a couple of real informal ones in my youth.  Who, after all, hasn’t protested heavy-handed parental interference in the form of curfews and chores?” 

“When I was a YA (young adult) myself, I could run on fumes.  Now, as a forty-something, my carburetor goes kerplunk by roughly 10 a.m. if I don’t get my rest.” 

“The British could have learned a thing or two about quelling peasant rebellion from Mr. Schrock.” 

“In our household, the boys take the word ‘vacation’ literally.  To them it is defined as ‘the absence of any activity that could remotely be construed as work.’” 

“Being a character isn’t the issue.  Having one is.” – Rhonda's State of the Union speech to the troops

“Asking you to wash the dishes and to help clean the house does not qualify as slave labor, so you can stop your letter-writing campaign to the Labor Commission.” 

“As you are well aware, this is a strongly pro-life administration.  Here, we celebrate life.  We simply cannot allow wholesale torture or maiming of innocent civilians, which is why the slingshot was sold on eBay.”

“You learn, as you’re riding along, that humor helps.  A lot.  It binds you together, turning catastrophic crashes into minor pileups.” 

“Any mother knows that when the children are out of school, the crime rate spikes.  Suddenly, her police blotter reflects a flurry of activity with reports of muggings, thefts, and other misdemeanors.” 

“I could live without the game of football.  And now that I’ve blurted out that little inconvenient truth à la Al Gore, I will be seeking a spot in the federal witness protection program immediately.” 

“There is another thing I do once in a blue moon that makes him nuts.  This is something that can only be chalked up to my femininity and, thus, is beyond my control.” 

“’What will they be when they grow up?”  This is the question of every parent’s heart since the first stinkers were born just outside the Garden of Eden.’” 

“You know, sharing a relaxing meal together after a tough week is a wonderful thing, but shopping with this gang goes beyond the pale.  Tiptoeing past sleeping junkyard dogs wearing trousers made of red meat would be less daunting.” 

“While his (MLK, Jr.) dream was lofty and noble, encompassing a world in which black and white lived as equals, mine’s much simpler.  I’d just like to see the kids grow up without killing each other.”

“A woman and her purse is a mystery to a man.  In his world, ‘If it doesn’t fit in your pocket, you don’t need it.’  But in her world, ‘I have to make this fit because I might need it.’”

“Instead of studying the migration patterns of the humpbacked whale or some such thing that has no impact on my life, why don’t they research stuff that will really make a difference?  You know, like why some males think that grunting is an actual language?”

“It’s committed love that brings him home every night.  Though she’s not perfect and he, better than anyone, knows her shortcomings and failures, that’s his girl.  He gave his word.”  

“On the issue of crime, I have some new ideas.  At our house, I find that cranky constituents are much happier after they’ve had a nap followed by milk and cookies.  In my first 100 days in office, I will propose a bill mandating a national nap time every day with a snack of milk and Oreos afterward.” 

“On the domestic side, I have proven my ability to bring both sides of the proverbial aisle together.  When six people are stuck together in a moving vehicle, knowing how to get those in the front seat to stop fighting with those in the back seat is a matter of survival.  I can do that.” 

“It’s committed love that picks up the socks and washes the clothes.  That cooks up dinner and watches ESPN.  That helps pay the bills by taking a job.  Though he’s not perfect and she, better than anyone, knows his shortcomings and failures, that’s her man.  She gave her word.” 

“Apparently, the ability to waffle and give vague non-answers is a much desired skill.  Got that nailed.  When the little non-voters ask if they can do something, I use the old parental favorite, ‘We’ll see.’” 

“This, then, is what endures – her love and her prayers.  It’s not the perfection of either a mother or her children, but her faithful obedience that will one day earn her the ultimate reward…a smile on the face of her Heavenly Father and the words, “Well done, you faithful servant.’ And that, in the end, will be worth it all.”

“On economic issues, I am particularly strong.  My platform is, ‘If the money ain’t there, it ain’t happening.’”

“Of all the rooms in our house, my brain is most like the pantry.  It’s cramped, chaotic, and disorganized, and there aren’t nearly enough shelves.” 

“Mothers don't know everything, and maybe we don't need to.  If we did, we’d never let them leave. We’d pack them up in bubble wrap and confine them to the couch, knitting sweaters.” 

“Classes include ‘how to wield a toilet brush,’ ‘101 squeegee techniques,’ and ‘polishing a toilet tank ‘til you can see your own reflection.’  All equipment is provided.”

“They know, too, that one day, the children will leave, the house will settle, and they’ll be back to where they started – alone, together.  It may not be a perfect life or a fairy tale, but it’s a pretty good way to grow old and ride off into the sunset.”