I’ll take a happy pill with that commercial

It was harrowing. There I was, standing at the kitchen sink in my quiet, country home. It was clean-up time. A school of local piranhas had blown through, devouring the evening meal. In the living room, the Chomper in Chief (a.k.a. Mr. Schrock) had found the remote (a miracle itself right there) somewhere between the cushions and assumed his favorite position; that being 10 toes up, 2 cheeks down in his recliner.

And there it came. It was a chipper, hope-filled commercial from a drug company, touting its latest prescription. Happiness filled my heart as I listened. But then came the blow.

At the end of all the hope, the unseen announcer began to reel off the potential side effects. “If your drive train derails or your chassis gives way, this medication may not be for you. If you experience a sudden, syncopated heart rhythm suspiciously like Kool & The Gang’s hit song, Celebration, discontinue use and call your doctor immediately. Some users have reported nausea, projectile vomiting, and prickly heat rash not relieved by the vigorous use of a spaghetti grabber. In this event, discontinue use and for heaven’s sake, call your doctor.”

I’m all for developing new drugs to shrink prostates, clear eczema, and clear the pipes, but for crying in a micro-brewed beer (or my French-press coffee), try not to scare us to death, okay? And next time, warn us if we’ll be needing a happy pill to get us through your commercial. Hopefully, there won’t be any side effects with that.