What to do with disappointment
This essay was first published on The Daily BS on Jan. 11, 2025.
It is a simple word that affects us all. For as long as mankind has walked upon the earth, every soul has known it. That word? Disappointment.
The smallest child has felt it. When the red balloon pops or the ice cream cone drops, there it comes, and it’s loudly expressed in a wail. Disappointment.
There is not, it seems, any area of life that is unaffected. Take love, for instance. How many folks have been disappointed in love? Of all the categories, this one is the most painful. Relationships require vulnerability, and connection comes with a price. Open your heart, and you open yourself to the possibility of pain. Love always comes with a risk.
As children, most of us eagerly anticipated the onset of adulthood. Grownups could do anything they wanted, after all, with no one bossing them around. We dreamt of the boundless liberty we would know once we were making our own choices. The winds of freedom called us, and we could hardly wait.
When my husband was a boy, his big dreams of independence included a car of his own and a can of Hershey’s chocolate syrup. He could drive where he wanted, chugging Hershey’s when he wanted, and he would finally be free. Sugared up, happy, and free.
He found out what all of us learned—that adulting is hard. That freedom looks suspiciously like responsibility, self-control, and hard work, and that life often doesn’t turn out like we thought. How very disappointing this realization is.
Disappointment awaits us at work as well. Difficult bosses and coworkers, blocked promotions, and layoffs are a few of the avenues through which it comes. Trying a job or career we thought we would love, only to find out that it wasn’t what we thought it would be is a big disappointment. I know.
Simply having our plans disrupted is a big one. I’ll never forget the shock and fear I felt the day an obstetrician told me, “Starting today, your life is going to change. It’s not a question of whether this baby will come early. It’s a question of how early it will come.” In one moment of time, my life turned upside down.
For 2-1/2 months, I spent 22 hours a day in bed. We had two other little boys to care for, and I was helpless. Unable to leave the house, the weeks went by, and the world outside my door rushed on. Summer passed and then the fall, and I saw it all from my window. Disappointment.
From pursuing our dreams to parenthood to aging, life is rife with that ugly word. Rose-colored glasses crack and break, and reality, hard and cold, sets in. What can we do with disappointment?
I have lived long enough now to know a few things for sure. The first one is that there is always something to learn. If I let it, disappointment can be a great teacher. This requires a willingness to be taught. Whether it has come through something I have done, or it has come to be against my will, I can always stop and ask, “What is this thing teaching me?”
If my actions or choices have contributed, it is a perfect opportunity to ask a good question, “Why?” Why is it here? Where is this thing coming from? If it is a recurring pattern in my life, I will ask myself, “What is going on inside my heart and mind that causes these things to keep happening?” Engaging in such self-reflection brings some of the greatest personal growth I’ve ever experienced. It’s painful, but it’s so good.
If it has come to me against my will, I go mining to see what nugget there is for me to keep. It may take me awhile to feel like doing this, but eventually I will find the strength to treasure hunt. And always, there is something I find that’s good.
Over and over again (and here’s the second thing), I’ve found disappointment to bring divine appointments. For instance, because of my untimely preterm labor and bed rest, I met some of the sweetest people. Weekly, home healthcare nurses visited me for checkups. I spoke to them daily by phone as they kept their eyes on me. Never, ever would I have encountered them out in the world. In my extremity, there they came, and I was grateful.
Disappointments can be re-routings. Closed doors and roadblocks can guide us to different and better doors and lanes, down roads and into places we didn’t know we needed. They can save us, too, from disasters we could not see.
It is human to mourn and rage, to feel the lash of shock and regret, but let’s not stay there. If we are willing, disappointment can be the vehicle that takes us to greater personal growth, maturity, peace, and satisfaction. In turn, we will be divine appointments for others in need whom life will bring our way.
You can hear America’s small, caffeinated mom every Saturday morning on the James Golden Radio Show. BYOM. Bring your own mug.