What your husband really wants (and it’s not a perfect body)

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Recently, I wrote a blog post called, “When your complaining is hurtin’ your husband.”   From all over, women stopped by. Men did, too, and it seemed like many folks were encouraged.

This morning while I was out runnin’ (and it’s beautiful here right now) ‘neath Papa’s grand sky, past corn that is taller than me, I got to thinkin’. It was about conversations I’ve had lately with my husband and son, and for a girl, they’ve been just eye-openin’.

See, for years there are certain things my husband’s been tellin’ me, and for some reason, I’ve had the hardest time believin’ him. And that hurts him. Like I told you in that blog post up there, when I fuss about how I’m made and I don’t act like he’s sayin’ the truth, it’s disrespectful. It impugns his taste and his character. And that’s bad.

As a girl who’s born to teach, I’m going to go another step farther and expand on this topic. While I’m teachin’ today, it’s on the premise that your husband is just like mine; a good-hearted man who wants to follow God. I understand that some of you dear girls are hurtin’ greatly because your husbands are addicted to porn, but even for you, there’s truth here that may help you. You have my love.

For years, I have measured myself (and we talked about that here ) and others by the world’s yardstick. And that way of thinkin’ has been just horrid.

For years, my husband has told me, “I just want you. I don’t care about perfection. I want your heart.” And then this, “I want you to be confident.”

It seemed that no matter how many times he told me that not only is he completely happy with how I’m made, but that he actually does not WANT those perfect models, I still chose not to believe him. Persisted in doubting his word.

And my worth.

Then came his great breaking, and ever since, in this new season of health and life and freedom, he’s become laser focused on what all men truly long for –an emotional connection. With one woman.

So recently one day, a catalog I’d not asked for came in the mail. And it was full of swimsuit models. Gorgeous. Perfect. Not a wrinkle or stretch mark or bulge. And I felt it. So at my husband’s suggestion, I did something I don’t normally do…I took that catalog, I went to my 26-year-old son, and I put it to him straight, “If you could choose, would you pick one of these or a ‘normal’ girl who’s not perfect?”

And without hesitation, my son said what his dad has said all along, “I would not choose that.”

We talked, then, and it was helpful for the only-girl-in-a-houseful-of-men. What I learned from my two fellows that day was that it’s character. It’s personality. That those far trump outward packaging. And, per our son, if the right one came along who had the character, the personality, and was a bombshell, it would be fine. But that would not be his first concern.

Now you. And me. When our husbands tell us that they love us just like we are, they really mean it. And when they tell us that they want us to love ourselves–just like we are–they mean that, too.

When our husbands say, “I don’t want another woman. What I want is your heart,”they mean exactly that. 

So today, the way we can love our husbands, girls, is to accept the skin we’re in. To begin to see it as a gift. To quit doubting and suspecting and disrespecting our men.

To quit doubting and complaining and impugning…the Creator. 

We are His clay pots, you and I, and our willing acceptance is what our husbands need. The strong, loving connection with us is what they want.

What your husband wants, then, is not a perfect body. It’s a loving, trusting, believing heart. And that, dear girl, is a pearl of great price.

As I write this, my heart hurts. I know that some of you are struggling terribly in your marriages, whether from abuse, addictions, past woundings, failings, or disappointments. It is never, ever my intent to deepen a wound or to pick at a scab. The one thing I know is that you cannot change your spouse; you can only let God change you. Isaiah 54:5 says that, “Your Maker is your husband.” And, “The Lord has called you like a wife forsaken in her youth.” He will not fail you. He will never forsake. You are not alone.