‘President Schrock’ declares a National Pajama Day

Categorized as 02/08/10 Goshen News column

Given the recent success of our master plan for holiday relaxing, I’ve come to a conclusion. Before I tell you what it is, though, let me define what success really means.

In the context of holiday roar and hoopla, success means that at some point, you actually achieved a state of relaxation. You know – where you literally sat down? And did nothing?

You weren’t cooking a turkey, stringing lights or making candy. You weren’t rushing off to another family gathering or wrapping presents. You simply sat. And relaxed. With a book or a movie or hot chocolate.

A key component of this plan for success is a pair of pajamas. When, after all, are you more relaxed than when you’re in your jammies and bunny slippers, hmm? Personally speaking, that’s when I’m at my best.

When Mr. Schrock and I were discussing how much we’d enjoyed the holidays this year, I remarked to him that I thought we should simply call a Pajama Day once a quarter or so. Upon further reflection, however, I’ve come to a different conclusion.

This thing should go national. It really should. If I were president, this would be the first major piece of legislation I would sign upon taking office. This is how I would present it to the country.

“Friends and fellow countrymen, today I hereby declare a new national holiday. It is called National Pajama Day, or NPD for short. It will be implemented immediately, starting this coming Saturday.

“After numerous discussions with my top advisers in late-night pajama-clad meetings, we have decided that for the first time in American history, participation in a national holiday will be mandatory. Allowance shall, of course, be made for our essential services, including our police and fire departments, EMTs, hospital personnel, and the baristas at my local Starbucks. However, they are strongly encouraged to find their way into their own pajamas and slippers at the earliest opportunity.

“Furthermore, we believe that one NPD a year isn’t nearly enough. As such, we will be celebrating National Pajama Day on a quarterly basis, so get those bathrobes warmed up.

“For those of you that are wondering about the rationale behind this decision, it boils down to the deep love I have for this country. After experiencing firsthand the wonderful effects of pajama therapy, I’ve come to realize that it’s exactly what this tired, stressed-out nation needs.

“The potential benefits are enormous. First of all, I’m convinced that the national stress level will drop like a rock. There’s nothing like a day spent in one’s flannels to soothe the anxious mind. With the current state of the economy and with unemployment numbers being what they are, we’re wound tighter than a cheap Rolex knockoff.

“Besides, too many of you are running on fumes, and what you need is a good, old-fashioned nap. NPD will give you the opportunity to do just that.

“The health benefits of this plan are obvious. With reduced stress levels, the number of heart attacks will decrease. There will be fewer ulcers sprouting nationwide, and psychiatrists will report seeing fewer patients. Suicide rates will decline as discouraged citizens rediscover the meaning of life in their PJs.

“Additionally, we fully expect crime rates to fall. After all, if the populace is indoors napping, then no one’s out looting, shooting, hooting, or otherwise disturbing the peace. And that, my fellow Americans, is a very good thing.

“As a result of all this relaxation, we anticipate that productivity in the workplace will skyrocket. Refreshed Americans will resume their places in factories, offices, restaurants, and behind cash registers with renewed optimism come Monday morning. With this fresh infusion of energy, the creative juices will flow like crazy, sparking any number of breakthroughs in research and development across the country.

“Participating in this national day of rest is simple. You just take your pajamas and insert first your left foot, then your right. Next, you collapse in a heap with a blanket and a good book or a movie, only stirring to get a fresh cup of coffee. About halfway through, you exchange those PJs for a fresh set before heading for bed. It’s that easy.

“It should be noted that for members of Congress, I am mandating National Pajama Week. Every quarter. I figure if they’re at home in their jams, they’re not up here raising your taxes. Plus, if they get the sleep they need for once, maybe they’ll start working together nicely. No more making faces across the aisle, shooting spit wads at each other during important votes, or taping ‘kick me’ signs on each others’ backs.

“I hope by now that you can see that instituting National Pajama Day is one of the most patriotic things that I as your president could do. It’s for the good of the country, and after all, I just want you to be happy.

“So go ahead. Get those PJs ready, turn off your phones, and hunker down. You’ll thank me come Monday, I promise.”

The photo op afterwards shows a happy and relaxed President Schrock signing the bill into law. In her jammies, of course.

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