That’s My Platform, and I’m Sticking To It

Categorized as 04/28/08 Goshen News article

Some of the extended family have begun shrewdly calculating the advantages that would be theirs if a relative was in the Oval Office. They’re already picturing themselves in the Lincoln Bedroom, angling for invitations to the annual Easter Egg hunt, and lobbying for Yoder reunions to be held on the West Lawn. Brown nosers.

There is plenty of work to be done, however, before I get Pennsylvania Avenue address labels printed up. I realize that it will take more than seven votes to get me there, so allow me to further detail what I hope to accomplish as your president.

Let’s start with character issues. I think that telling the truth is a big deal. We pretty much insist on it at our house, and we have methods for dealing with it when we catch a small person lying. Same goes for the Big House. As president, I will insist on honesty, and if someone in Congress is caught fibbing, he or she will earn a session with me and my presidential bar of soap. It’s time to clean up D.C.

It is clear that the electorate is sick and tired of partisan politics. An older mother once said that when her kids fought, she put them in a room together and wouldn’t let them come out until they had settled their differences. That’s just what I’ll do up on the Hill. Congress may as well plan on one marathon session until they decide that they can play ball and start working together for the good of the people who actually sent them there. I figure we’ll just throw in some PBJs every so often to keep them going. So what if it takes them until Labor Day. At least they’re not raising taxes or wreaking other havoc while they’re hammering out their differences.

On the issue of crime, I have some new ideas. At our house, I find that cranky constituents are much happier after they’ve had a nap followed by milk and cookies. In my first 100 days in office, I will propose a bill mandating a national naptime every day with a snack of milk and Oreos afterward. My research has suggested that crime in our major cities could drop as much as 20-30%, which just makes sense if you think about it. If the populace is napping and snacking, they’re not mugging or shooting, right? Besides, there’s just something calming about licking the frosting out of an Oreo and dunking the rest. With stress reduced, crime will drop.

For the criminal element who still insist on breaking the law, let me be very clear. It’s not gonna be any picnic in jail. In my experience, little evildoers derive great benefit from good old-fashioned hard work. Once I’m in office, each prison in America will start a big, big, very big garden. There’s nothing like pulling weeds for hours in the hot sun to bring about a change in character. Just let that word get out on the street. Overcrowding won’t be a problem anymore.

When it comes to taxes, my platform is real short. I don’t like ‘em. If elected, I will work with might and main to keep Congress out of your back pocket. Believe me, as a mother of four, I really do have eyes on all sides of my head, so when I see that sneaky congressional hand edging toward your wallet, I will swiftly and without mercy employ my handy dandy flyswatter. A sharp whack on the knuckles should forestall further attempts at thievery, at least temporarily.

Yes, my friends. There would be change in Washington if I were in the Oval Office, and it wouldn’t all be policy changes, either. As my husband said wryly when he heard of my aspirations, “Well, the White House was white when we got there…”

Exactly. There would be peanut butter and jelly stuck in the carpet, thanks to a toddler who thinks sandwiches are for throwing. There would be ripstiking in the halls. The corridors of power would shake from the wrestling matches and high speed chases. And forget bullets – the Secret Service would be busy dodging rubber-tipped arrows from the 9-year-old’s wooden crossbow. There would be photo ops galore with charming pictures of a new-generation toddler with bright blue eyes and a small set of teeth beaming from beneath JFK’s desk.

If this sounds like the America you’re looking for, please vote for me this November. I know I’m a little late getting on the ballot, so just crayon my name at the bottom. I’m sure they will count it.

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